At risk of offending Appalachian QuiBidders, we’re proud to announce that — by an extended and highly convoluted series of business transactions, QuiBids achieved full ownership of the state of West Virginia sometime last week. That means all of its land, assets, exports, imports, and yes, even its residents now comfortably reside within our corporate holdings. On a related note, we’d like to offer our congratulations to the 1.9 million some-odd new QuiBids employees who live there! Woo-hoo! (By the way, we’ll need you all to drop by our Oklahoma City office to fill out your W-2s. Also, if any of you have experience working in human resources, we could probably use your expertise to process all these.)
But alas, we won’t own the Mountain State for long, as we’ve decided to put her up for auction! What do you think a territory this rich in hunting, outdoor exploration, logging, and coal mining’s worth? Of course we’ll toss in a few extra Gameplays and Voucher Bids to sweeten the deal, so we’re expecting a fracas of an auction here. Some likely bidders:
Ever try an Auntie Anne’s pretzel? They’re the greasiest, greatest, most addictive snack, studded with chunks of salt so big you could play baseball with ‘em. They’ve gotta come from somewhere, right? Well current studies estimate that the West Virginian landscape’s got enough NaCl stashed away to keep American tables supplied for the next 2,000 years. If Auntie Anne’s scores this auction and starts making enough of those doughy delights to keep up with their salt demand, then QuiBids’ collective blood pressure’s just gonna skyrocket. ‘Cause we can’t resist.
The Commonwealth’s been sore about losing its western chunk ever since the eve of the Civil War, when a bunch of ne’er-do-well rebels met and voted in favor of the Ordinance of Secession, so don’t be surprised if you see Governor Bob McDonnell make a pass at his neighbors. We actually saw a pretty interesting new user handle crop up last night (WilliamMahonerulz33) that makes us think the 50 states might lose a digit by the time this auction’s over.
While exploring acres upon acres of mountainous wilderness with little more than a knife, length of rope, and a canteen full of urine might not sound especially enticing to your typical QuiBids user, it’s right up Bear Grylls’ always determined-to-survive alley. We suppose the English TV show host could use all that backcountry as a private on-site location for shooting the next season of “Man Vs. Wild,” or, y’know, just a private place for him to go drink his own urine and eat bug larvae in peace.
Image via wv.gov.
Bid on a Giuseppe’s Yugo here:
- United States:
We’ve saved the “Best for Last” here. Once every decade or so, a singing voice — deep and rich, but soulful and ladylike — blips on, then suddenly hijacks the pop culture radar. It’s a tradition that stretches well back into the 1960s with Miss Aretha Franklin and well into this millennium, now occupying the 23-year-old body of a beehive-haired Englishwoman who’s now just shy of snagging her five millionth Twitter follower.
That’d of course be Adele, whose vocals ring so broad and true that you’d believe here if she was singing a statement prepared by Richard Nixon’s speechwriter. The lady’s sold untold millions of records, won Grammys upon Grammys and gotten to appear in really dramatic, neutral-tone music videos!
Well “Rumor Has It” that “Someone Like You,” yes you, could win this remarkable ability for yourself, as it’s up for auction*! With Adele’s Voice, you’ll be a “One and Only” talent, hobnobbing with celebrities and glitzing along on the rock star treatment. Nobody’s gonna give you the “Cold Shoulder.” Your voice will “Melt My Heart To Stone,” make people feel “Right As Rain,” not “Tired.” You’ll give your “Hometown Glory,” “Set Fire to the Rain,” and “Take It All” for yourself. (Are there any Adele songs we’re missing here? Don’t answer that.
But seriously, how cool would it be to win this auction? You’d be “Rolling in the Deep,” and by “deep” we mean “leafy green cash.” Let’s examine some of the pros and cons.
PROS of having Adele’s voice:
-Partying with baby white tigers is the coolest thing ever.
-Talking to Elton John and John Mayer might be even cooler than that.
-Getting to entertain the largest, most storied concert halls mankind has ever built. While packed-out. No big.
CONS of having Adele’s voice:
-Must set aside untold amounts of cash to replace constantly shattered windows, drinkware, doors, and other glass products.
-Having so many fans that you can’t go anywhere or doing anything in public without inspiring mass hysteria.
-An Adele post-concert sore throat is probably the most painful sore throat there is.
*Three-foot-high blonde wig not included.
Bid on a Adele’s Voice here:
- United States:
- United Kingdom